Houston Chronicle | Fair, balanced conservative manifesto

Some conservatives will argue that the preceding does not represent true conservatism, but that is an argument they will have to take up with their fellow conservatives.

You mean you’re not really listening anyway? Well, we knew that, but it’s novel and courageous of you to admit it for a change.

And they call Rush Limbaugh arrogant.


Republicans lie.

They lie about everything. They lie about anything. They lie because… well, because they can. No explanation is really necessary, it’s just who they are. I mean, they have so much reason to. If they said what they really thought, then everyone (not just the Democrats) would know them for the hatemongering, bigoted liars they are. Which everyone–well, everyone who matters–knows anyway, so there’s really no point.

Democrats don’t lie.

Ever. Why should we? The truth is on our side. In fact, everything we say is, by definition, the truth. We contradict ourselves only in trivial ways that should be beneath anyone’s notice.

Republicans all think the same way.

They march in lockstep behind Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson. They are white, racist (although those two labels are actually redundant), rich, and fundamentalist Christian. And, if truth be told, not very bright.

Democrats are a loose association of individual free thinkers.

Of course, this handicaps us in the political arena, since our message is of necessity diluted by our diversity. It does make it easier to attract large numbers of people to protest rallies, though (the better to generate press coverage), since the attendees may be there for a hundred or more different causes.

Any attempt by a Republican to refute a statement made by a Democrat is motivated by hatred.

It must be very frustrating to be so wrong all the time. The stress would get to anybody after a while. We wouldn’t know, of course, because we’re never wrong, but we’re very compassionate toward our deluded, brain-damaged, idiot, hateful colleagues. Someday we’ll put a halt to their intolerance–for their own good, of course.

Democrats don’t hate anybody.

Not even the drunken neo-Nazi Genghis Bushitler. Not even that pot smoking, draft-dodging adulterer Newt Gingrich. (We would make a cute derogatory joke of Newt’s name, but it looks like his mom beat us to it.) Therefore, since we are motivated not by hatred but by public service, and only speak the truth (see point two), nothing we ever say is hate speech, and we can say anything we want.

Anyone to the right of Al Franken is an arch-conservative.

There is no such thing as an arch-liberal. In fact, there’s no such thing as a liberal at all. That’s just a name Republicans call us to be hateful, like “politically correct”. We are moderate. We are progressive. We are, in short, Just People. Normal. Average.

In your heart, you know we’re right.

By which we mean we’re smarter than you. And you know it. When you disagree with us, it’s because you don’t have all the facts: If you had, you’d know we were right. Or maybe you do have all the facts, and you’re faking it in order to make conversations more interesting. In which case you really don’t have to bother. You don’t have to pretend to disagree with us. We love being told what we already know, that we’re right. Who could get tired of the truth? Did we mention we’re smarter than you?

We deserve to be in charge.

After all, clearly the most intelligent person should be in charge, and, well, just look at the Republicans. Isn’t it obvious? All teachers and college professors are Democrats. These are people who make their living (meager though it is) being smart. Obviously they know something you don’t. If the wrong people were in charge, they might break something. Worse yet, they might cut taxes.

Al Gore won the 2000 election fair and square.

However, the election was stolen from him by the Supreme Court. Therefore, anything we do to reverse that situation is lawful, moral, and our “sacred” duty. (We don’t really believe in the word “sacred”: We just use it so you’ll know what we mean. Being less intelligent and all.) There is no such thing as an inappropriate or excessive criticism of B*sh.

Comedy is too delicate to leave to amateurs.